I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
