ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
