either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
