I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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