It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
