i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
