The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
