Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
