I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
