There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
