god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
