Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
