Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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