Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
