guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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