i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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