Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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