Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
