im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
