just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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