You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
