i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
