Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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