Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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