And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
