I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I think my vagina is haunted
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
