that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
