well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
