its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
