Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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