Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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