I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
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