I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
