Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
it glows. i had to have it.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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