Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
