just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Randomize
