apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Is it penis luge time yet?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
