We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
