Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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