Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
