My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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