I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
then he tried to convert me to islam
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
