I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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