"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
