I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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