Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
