Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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