Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
