I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
