True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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